Composers' block ?

I usually write music like an idiot. I just don't think, I just write. As if one is in love: the brain stops working, and one just follow one's instinct or whatever you call it (although I must admit, with this bloody thing called love my instinct has been wrong some times). That's what I do in some inspired days, but those were just days. And then "the well turns dry" as we say, for a short period of time. But the last few weeks have been different. I'm having such a hard time writing this new opera of mine, CLARA (see my previous entries about this opera), and I've been spending time thinking of its reason why instead of the real musical notes. .............................................................................................................................................. For many of us, the hardest part of all is getting started. Sitting down in front of a computer screen or a blank sheet of music paper, rolling up our sleeves, and ...- -and -- .... nothing. But in my case, I have started. I have finished 2 arias, out of 7. But things have come soooooo slowly. In fact, I am not even sure of its formal structure, which I changed from the original story by Seno Gumira Ajidarma. I am doing the flashback technique, which makes it easier to stage, concerning the decoration and make up for the artist. But I still feel something is not right .... I want to compose. We may be facing a deadline that should compel us to write. But instead of feeling motivated or inspired, we grow anxious and frustrated. And those negative feelings can make it even harder to work. That's what we call "writers' block." In my case, it is because the character and expression is too strange, too deep for me. Imagine the feelings of two people that are really alien to me : a corrupt and insensitive policeman, and the feeling of a girl just being raped with nobody to help her. With the Stanislavsky method, it would be very easy : I would just rape a girl, and then I would ask a very strong, bulky and ugly badboy hunk to rape me. I would then know exactly how it feels to be both. But things are not that easy, as you see, eh? So how can I write music that expresses those things which I can't even express, coz I can't, and am afraid to dig deep and feel it? .............................................................................................................................................. If it's any consolation, I know I'm not alone. Many professional writers--of fiction and nonfiction, poetry and prose-- and composers have also had frustrating encounters with the empty page. .............................................................................................................................................. When asked about the most frightening thing he had ever encountered, novelist Ernest Hemingway said, "A blank sheet of paper." And none other than the Master of Terror himself, Stephen King, said that the "scariest moment is always just before you start [writing]. After that, things can only get better." So, that's no consolation for me, coz I have started, in a difficult way but hey, I have started, but things don't get better. And yeah, I started from the "easy" part : writing the arias of Clara's Father. As a father of a young girl myself, I know, feel and have preoccupations of the safety of my daughter. And so, the arias which are featured at the concert of my opera highlights at the Four Seasons Jakarta Hotel next week (25th of September) are all Clara's Father's Arias, sung by Nikodemus Lukas, who will also sing in the opera's premiere. Apart from it, he will sing an aria (the funky one!) from my previous opera, Mendadak Kaya, and soprano Evelyn Merrelita will sing some arias from The Mother, whose Son Was Kidnapped. And perhaps, this entry in my blog wouldn't have existed if I weren't stuck. This is in fact an excuse for me, instead of just gazing at the white music paper, I thought I should share this feeling of being stuck. So, I am pasting some of the quotes about this problem. Hope you enjoy them, and for fellow writers and composers, hope they can console, and even inspire you! At least I'm sort of useful (at least that's my feeling) now. .............................................................................................................................................. "I carry a notebook with me everywhere. But that's only the first step. Ideas are easy. It's the execution of ideas that really separates the sheep from the goats." (Sue Grafton) .............................................................................................................................................. "You don't start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it. That's why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence." (Octavia Butler) .............................................................................................................................................. "We can't be as good as we'd want to, so the question then becomes, how do we cope with our own badness?" (Nick Hornby) .............................................................................................................................................. "If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word." (Margaret Atwood)