Tourette Syndrome and how much I suffered from it

Earlier this week I was taping an interview for one of the most popular talkshows on Indonesian TV, "Tea Time with Desi Anwar". Desi is one of the top reporters in this country, and meeting her in that session convinced me that she deserves her reputation. During the breaks I quickly decided that I will talk about a subject which I never talked publicly before (although everyone who looks at me knows that I suffer from it) which is the Tourette Syndrome (TS), and how I suffered from it. In all the hundreds of interviews with reporters I've done throughout my life, I haven't opened up this matter to any one of them, and they were all nice enough not to touch this matter. At Desi's program, it was me who decided to talk, not her. .............................................................................................................................................. I had TS since as early as I could remember. My mom took me to some psychologists on this matter, but they proved useless, which only much later in life I realized that this is a syndrome that still has no cure for. Needless to say, I got bullied a lot at school with this thing with me, and even now some people look at me in a strange way. TS is a "cluster" disorder: because it is made up of separate symptoms, no two Touretters are the same. It consists of physical twitches, vocal twitches, obsessive-compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactive disorder. You can control the obsessions and compulsions for a time, but eventually they have to find an outlet, like an itch that has to be scratched. .......................................................................................................................................... TS automatically brings different side effects in each person. The most common are depression, anxiety (nervousness), seclusion (anti-social) and hyperactivity. In my case, I remember that my mother thought that I had abnormality in my talking or hearing, because until the age of almost 3 years I still wasn't able to speak. Apparently this is quite common, because people with TS tend to be introverted character even from a very early age, so we are not interested in getting in touch with the outside world. This character is also a cause of depression, because often we think about things too deeply, often repetitive due to the muscles and nerves in the brain that works without control. .......................................................................................................................................... Learning deeper about TS, I realized that it not only give disadvantages, but also advantages. Since TS not only affects outer body movements but also inner, it affects how our brain work. Most TS sufferers are hyperactive at some times which then are compensated by strange obsessions. In my case, when music sounds in my brain, it just cannot stop. I just gotta write it down, and sometimes I became so tired (or I had been so tired from working something else) but I couldn't stop myself from writing. And I am obsessed with each and every note; those notes may not be the BEST notes, but those ARE the notes which HAVE TO be in my piece. After writing, obviously I became dead tired, exhausted beyond belief, and I need hours of rest. During that rest I still need to do things extramusical, like reading, blogging or for the last 3 years tweeting (which I admit, am quite addicted to it). Months later I could just forget totally how the piece sounds, but at the time of its writing I couldn't take my focus and attention off it. It was simply Goodbye, world. .......................................................................................................................................... Another obsession of mine is being alone and lonely. I do need so much time to be both. It is ok if I am lonely by being alone, but if I am in a crowd (and mostly when I am performing) this loneliness become unbearable. It is a strange thing that I suffer from being lonely, but I enjoy it on the other hand. It's a kind of mental sadomasochistic attitude. This is one of the reason that I cut many of my performing activities. While my brain cannot stop being creative (I'd rather to call it as such, than call it being obsessed), mentally I can't stand too much being in, or exposed to a crowd. Being a composer really helps in keeping me mentally sane. ............................................................................................................................................. If you have friends or relatives who have TS, although it still can't be cured, much can be done to help them. The most important is your understanding, that we don't want all the tics and we can't suppress it. The symptoms of TS are unstable; it may be reduced depending on the state of the patient, and therefore a calm situation without the pressure / stress overload is very helpful in this regard. During my life, I have also observed that caffeine and sugar somehow exaggerate those tics, that's why I rarely consume 2 things mentioned above. Due to excessive brain nerves work, the majority of people with TS have higher than normal intelligence and a certain creative potential that can be (far) above the average; this can be developed which can be useful for us and the society around us, but we need participation and understanding from the society too. There are so many (I do not know exactly the data) MENSA member (the club of people with IQs categorized as genius) around the world with TS. The role of teachers at schools are very important to explain to students that this disease is "normal" although it's still often considered mysterious. .......................................................................................................................................... The icon of TS sufferer in the music world is W.A. Mozart. My theory is that his father "abused" him of working the whole day and night not only to get money from his work, but also to cool him down of his numerous uncontrolled (and sometimes aggresive or even self destructive perhaps?) body movements. I might be wrong. Of course during his time the syndrome wasn't named as such, since Gilles de Tourette himself (who first diagnosed this disease) was born in 1857, while Mozart died in 1791. There is a good article on TS and also on Mozart here : http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2117611/ ............................................................................................................................................. If you suffer from TS, or know someone who suffers from it, let's have a chat and share your stories! Tweet me at @anandasukarlan , ok? And why not write your own story in a blog like this?

Is Music Really The Food of Love?

There are several pieces in the 3 Alicia's Piano Books that deals with love. But how do we express love in music (apart from the composer's obvious intention -- sometimes failed -- to make it sound beautiful)? For me, love is about uniting the differences of 2 persons. Remember this, young pianists who will experience (or just entered into?) your first love: you don't ask your partner to be the same as you. You should love your partner because who (s)he is. And that means that (s)he is different from you, and let him/her be that way. You are a lover, not a boss who tells people how they should act and should be. That's the power of love : it’s the unity of 2 people IN SPITE OF their differences. .......................................................................................................................................... But enough of love talk, let's analyze my music in a formal way. Keeping that concept above in mind, it is not difficult to write "love music" for piano: just make the right and left hand do different things! And that's what I did, mostly in rhythm. But of course, this is for the pieces with educational purposes. I'm making it rather simplistic, and if you listen to my other "love oriented" music, they are much more complicated than that! Until now I have managed writing those (easy) love music bi-rhythmically. I would love to do one bi-tonally, it would be really wild! Falling in Love (Alicia's 1st piano book) started from my wish to explain to my daughter the difference between a 6/8 and a 3/4 bar. So I wrote a piece where the left hand is in a 6/8 bar, and the right is in 3/4. The result is a flowing melodious piece, not a rhythmical one, since the melody is supported by an accompaniment which is different from its rhythm. No love involved initially, besides my love to my daughter. But then it turned out to be pretty romantic, so I gave it its title, and since I was commissioned to write for the film "Romeo & Juliet" at that time, the piece found its way to be one of the background music of one scene. .......................................................................................................................................... Since Alicia doesn't play the piano anymore, Alicia's 3rd Piano Book became more varied. I put many pieces that don't have any relations to Alicia and/or dealing with piano techniques into this book. One of them is indeed called Differences Unite, written for my dear friends Nathania Karina & Christian Oscar. It was written just because I chatted through Yahoo Messenger to Nathania, and suddenly felt like writing it (noooo, no fixed date for the wedding yet, at least that’s what they say hehehe). In this piece, the polyrhythm of 3 and 2 is changed in every beat, therefore it becomes a not-so-easy piece. The melody also appears not only in 1 hand but in both, so in most part of the piece it is clear which hand is more important. In the beginning, the melody in right hand even comes in exactly inverted from the first time it appears in left hand, kinda saying that two statements could be diametrically opposed but they both can be true (if you remember John Keats saying that “Truth is beauty”, ... and if you consider my melody beautiful). Only in the end both hands play equally important melodies (it also symbolizes that in a relationship, both parties are equal, if both are in love). .......................................................................................................................................... Unexpected Turns is a wedding gift for my dear childhood friend Laksmi Pamuntjak who has now become a prominent writer (and a stunningly beautiful lady, as if she turned into a butterfly from the caterpillar who I used to know!) who was marrying her second husband. Her most recent novel "AMBA" is enjoying immense success, and I feel guilty that for the 1 month I've been here in Indonesia I haven't managed to get hold of it. But I will, and the book will perhaps will accompany me during the flight back to Spain later this month. The title of my music refers to her life experiences too, and its differences lie in the sections which go to unexpected turns, although all of them are built on the same motif. .......................................................................................................................................... Mother's Love is different. It uses the motifs that I employ in my music for the film "Air Mata Terakhir Bunda" (Mother's Last Drop of Tears), to be released at the end of this year. After I finished writing its soundtrack, one day I felt like tinkering on one of its motif to make a rather virtuosic short piece. Anyway, a mother's love surpasses all differences; it's just the greatest love of all. .......................................................................................................................................... Talking about my music, of course we can’t avoid talking about motifs, since that element is the most crucial thing in my creative process. My music without motifs is like the world without atoms. I mentioned several times in my lectures that I have a “love” motif, but I am not sure if I have written about it in this blog. Anyway, it consists of an interval of a perfect fifth, plus a minor second (with its derivatives such as a major seventh or minor ninth and so on). That symbolizes my idea that love can make you understand perfection through happiness, but it can create the most dissonant chord too. Have your heart been wounded deeper than by the knife of love? Anyway, if you want to hear how this motif is so exploited, you can listen to my song Dalam Doaku and Ketika Kau Entah Dimana where it appears naked in the very first 3 notes of the singer. It then appears in a more elaborated figure in “Echo’s Whisper” for oboe and piano, and in many many places in my recent orchestral work ERSTWHILE: A communion of time (which is about love being postponed for 7 centuries. That motif can’t help but being very much elaborated, naturally!)