Memukul Dengan Kepekaan (article published in KOMPAS, November 9th 2015)

This is the article I wrote, commissioned by KOMPAS and published November 9th, about Harry Murti, a master builder of drums & percussion instruments. His contribution, together with the students and members of Jakarta Drum School during my opera CLARA last year was so crucial, and they are participating again in my next opera of next year, Tumirah, Sang Mucikari. Some numbers of this new opera will be performed during the Jakarta New Year Concert on January 10th, at Titan Center, Bintaro, sung by the same vocalists of the actual complete opera next year. The title of this article means "Hitting with sensitivity" :) . ............................................................................................................................................. Memukul Dengan Kepekaan ............................................................................................................................................. Musik pada saat ini seringkali hanya dianggap sebagai "peran pembantu", dalam pertunjukan teater atau ilustrasi film. Dari keseluruhan itu, ada segmen di orkes / grup musik yang lebih dianggap sebagai "latar belakang" saja, yaitu bagian drums dan perkusi. Perkusi adalah segmen dari keseluruhan orkestrasi yang mungkin paling disalah-pahami oleh penonton awam. Fungsinya sering dianggap semata-mata sebagai "penentu/penyokong ritme" padahal sebetulnya (bisa) jauh lebih dari itu. Bahkan drummer dan pemain perkusi sering diejek sebagai "tukang pukul" di orkes. Kenyataannya, perkusi juga punya "warna", dan warna itu bisa menentukan suasana / ekspresi yang sangat sutil, baik ditengah keriuhan para penggebuknya maupun sewaktu dimainkan dengan sangat lembut (ya, ya, perkusi itu bisa berbunyi sangat lembut dan indah!). Dan di aspek ini lah saya salut dengan Harry Murti, seorang master-builder (pembuat instrumen) drum Indonesia yang telah diakui dunia. Untuk berbagai alat perkusi, kayu birch dan maple adalah yang biasanya dipakai sebagai bahan, dan Harry telah menunjukkan kayu-kayu dari pohon di Indonesia yang menawarkan warna dan resonansi yang berbeda: Jati, Sungkai, Makassar Ebony, Bengkirai, Mahogany, Cherry, selain bambu. ............................................................................................................................................. Harry Murti mulai bermain drum di sekolah dasar [1977], dan setelah sekitar bermain 5 tahun mulai melakukannya dengan serius - ia membentuk band, menjadi session player, dll, tapi sebetulnya ia selalu tertarik pada suara itu sendiri. Teknik bermain penting untuk belajar, tapi justru banyak musisi tidak sensitif terhadap suara instrumen itu. ............................................................................................................................................. Sebagai seseorang yang terobsesi, cinta Harry Murti terhadap musik perkusi mendorongnya untuk belajar bagaimana membuat drum itu sendiri. Sebagai seorang "master builder" otodidak, alat perkusi berkualitas tinggi yang diproduksinya menggunakan kayu Indonesia, yang membuatnya memiliki suara yang unik. Bersemangat untuk berbagi pengetahuan musik, Harry juga menciptakan sebuah sekolah musik khusus untuk perkusi, Jakarta Drum School. ............................................................................................................................................. Seperti kebanyakan musisi tahu, instrumen yang berkualitas, dalam hal ini drum dan alat perkusi lainnya itu mahal. Ketika kita pergi ke sebuah studio latihan, kita tidak bisa semata-mata mencatat atau mengingat untuk meniru apa yang kita dengar karena hal itu tidak bisa memproduksi nada yang kita cari -- itu semua harus dipraktekkan, dilatih, dan berkali-kali. Setelah meneliti, Harry menemukan bahwa kayu adalah aspek penentu yang besar dalam kualitas bunyinya, bukan hanya jenis kayunya, tapi juga bagaimana pengolahannya. Harry tentu saja ingin membuat instrumen yang bagus, tapi pada mulanya tidak punya uang bahkan kesabaran untuk menabung -- mengapa hanya orang dengan uang berlimpah yang dapat membeli alat yang bagus? Sejak itu, Harry memutar otak. ............................................................................................................................................. Harry mulai belajar drum itu sendiri melalui majalah dan berdiskusi dengan berbagai orang yang ia temui selama kunjungannya ke NAMM [National Association of Music Merchants, sebuah tradeshow musik]. Selama melalui kuliah aeronautika, kemudian kerja dan menikah, ia mulai bereksperimen membuat drum. Saking bergairahnya, ia mencapai titik di mana ia keluar dari pekerjaan untuk melanjutkan penelitian, ketika ia menyadari bahwa mengkonstruksi berbagai jenis drum adalah jalan hidupnya. Ia membeli drum dengan berbagai ukuran hanya untuk membongkar, menggergaji kayunya guna menganalisa secara mendetail. Ini tentu membuat orangtua dan istrinya resah, karena praktis Harry tidak dapat memasukkan uang untuk keluarganya. Tapi setelah kelihatan hasilnya, satu mukjizat terjadi, seperti yang diceritakan Harry kepada saya. Suatu hari, pada pukul 9 pagi, ibunya yang sakit memanggilnya. Ia akhirnya merestui apa yang dikerjakan anak lelakinya, serta memberinya modal membangun studio. 3 jam kemudian, di tengah hari, sang ibunda wafat. ............................................................................................................................................. Karena ia memiliki latar belakang bidang aeronautika yang dipelajarinya di perguruan tinggi, ia punya lumayan banyak pengetahuan teknis. Setelah ia memiliki pemahaman dasar tentang instrumen, setiap kali ada teman yang memerlukan memperbaiki drumnya, Harry menawarkan jasa untuk memperbaikinya. Ini memberinya kesempatan untuk bereksperimen lebih lanjut tentang aspek-aspek yang berbeda. ............................................................................................................................................. Selama dua tahun ia tidak bekerja, studio "Harry's Drum Craft" yang ia bangun bisa menghasilkan uang sehingga ia bisa tetap fokus pada minatnya. Ia sudah berhasil membuat beberapa drum yang dimainkan pada saat itu, walaupun tidak sampai pada kualitas yang ia inginkan. Sambil membangun studio latihan ia melihat bahwa salah satu pekerja konstruksi, Dali, memiliki keahlian yang besar - dia menaruh perhatian terhadap detail dan konsisten dengan pekerjaannya. Ketika studio selesai dibangun, Harry mendekatinya dan bertanya apakah ia mau membantunya menjadi asisten membuat drum. ............................................................................................................................................. Selama 2 atau 3 bulan kedepannya, Dali dibayarnya hanya untuk melihat, mengamati dan mempelajari cara Harry membuat drum, baru 6 bulan berikutnya ia mulai membuat drum bersama Harry sampai dia mampu membuat drum dengan bimbingan minimal. Setelah sekitar 2 tahun, mereka akhirnya mencapai titik di mana mereka berdua puas dengan produk akhir. ............................................................................................................................................. Kini Harry adalah salah satu kurator yang diseleksi oleh Global Project yang berbasis di Amerika Serikat. Para Master builder Dunia di pilih oleh kurator independent yg sudah qualified. Global project adalah project indie para Master builder Dunia yg ingin berbagi dgn drummer2 yg tidak mampu secara finansial untuk bisa tetap merasakan Drum/snare dgn kualitas high quality. ............................................................................................................................................. Saat ini ada 22 Master builder yg terpilih, dari Amerika Serikat, Inggris, Skotlandia, Australia dll., dan dari Asia sementara ini hanya dari Indonesia yaitu Harry's Drum Craft. Ini adalah pengakuan terhadap HDC sebagai Master Builder Drum di dunia. Disitu setiap Master Builder akan memberikan satu unit snarenya yg terbaik untuk dipamerkan dan dilelang atau langsung diberikan kepada calon2 drummer2 yg berbakat atau bisa membuktikan perjalanan karir yg panjang di dunia drum tetapi belum beruntung secara financial yg akhirnya tidak mampu untuk membeli drum yg bagus. Bulan Desember ini para master builders dan drummers penerima donasi akan berkumpul di New York City. ............................................................................................................................................. Ritme dan Warna dari Pemerkosaan ............................................................................................................................................. Seni datang dalam bentuk yang berbeda-beda. Dalam seni visual anda dapat melihat warna, bentuk, dan ukuran, tapi bagaimana anda menggambarkan suara? Hal ini tidak dapat dilihat, tidak dapat disentuh, tapi dapat dirasakan. Harry mendengarkan berbagai musik sejak ia masih sangat muda - dari Chick Corea, Saga, Genesis, Rush, sampai Casiopea - dan apa yang ia pelajari adalah bahwa drum-set yang berkarakter kuat dapat mewakili karakter dan ekspresi sang musikus. Suara drum yang baik mengilhami dan memotivasi kita untuk bermain, suaranya sesuai dengan musik yang kita cari untuk mengkomunikasikannya ke publik. Ingat, musik lahir dari satu aspek, yaitu ritme. Dia datang jauh sebelum yang lainnya: melodi, harmoni dll. Bahkan ritme lah yang membuat kita hidup, karena detak jantunglah yang mengiringi kita sampai mati. Ritme lah yang memotivasi kita untuk bergerak, dan melahirkan aspek-aspek musikal lainnya. ............................................................................................................................................. Kalau ada satu elemen yang mempertemukan Harry Murti dan saya, elemen itu adalah ... perkosaan. Nanti dulu, pembaca, Harry dan saya tidak memperkosa siapa-siapa kok. Tapi adegan pemerkosaan sebagai klimaks di opera saya CLARA itulah yang mendorong saya mengundang Harry dan rekan-rekannya dari Jakarta Drum School (JDS) untuk mengisi musik di adegan itu, selain beberapa adegan lainnya. CLARA menceritakan pemerkosaan terhadap wanita-wanita keturunan Cina di masa kerusuhan Mei 1998. Kerjasama itu terbukti sangat berhasil. CLARA terpilih menjadi Karya Seni Pertunjukan terbaik 2014 oleh majalah Tempo, dan selain hal itu berkat kekinclongan JDS, saya harus sebut juga bahwa penonton dan pengamat juga memberi pujian tinggi kepada para penyanyi utama Isyana Sarasvati yang memerankan Clara dan Widhawan Aryo Pradhita sebagai Polisi korup dengan nilai artistik yang sangat berkelas. ............................................................................................................................................. Harry memiliki keinginan yang sebetulnya sama dengan keinginan saya di dunia gamelan. Negara kita itu sebetulnya negara tetabuhan. Ada tifa, kenongan dll., dan kami bermimpi bahwa instrumen-instrumen tersebut dapat secara mudah berintegrasi ke grup-grup atau orkes yang "standar". Untuk itulah kita perlu standardisasi, dalam tonalitasnya dan dalam terminologi setiap instrumen, sehingga bisa praktis ditulis dalam partitur / notasi. Mungkin banyak yang masih belum tahu, bahwa kesulitan tertinggi mengintegrasi sebuah kelompok gamelan dengan orkes simfoni "barat", misalnya, bukanlah membuat musiknya supaya tidak menjadi "tambal sulam", tapi menyamakan tonalitasnya dengan instrumen barat yang sudah fix, A adalah 440 Hz. ............................................................................................................................................. Kesuksesan CLARA juga yang membuat Harry dan saya justru tidak puas. Berarti kita harus kolaborasi lagi! Februari tahun depan jika semua lancar, kami akan kerjasama lagi di opera saya yang terbaru, "Tumirah, Sang Mucikari". Seperti CLARA, ini juga saya adaptasi dari naskah hebat Seno Gumira Ajidarma. Kali ini pemeran utamanya adalah Artidewi, penyanyi jazz yang juga berteknik dasar klasik menjadi Tumirah (sebetulnya semua penyanyi --dan pemusik-- yang bagus itu saya percaya karena teknik dasarnya dari aliran klasik, sih), sedangkan para soprano terbaik Nusantara seperti Mariska Setiawan dan Evelyn Merrelita akan jadi "para pelacur"nya. Lagi-lagi akan ada adegan pemerkosaan, kali ini terhadap para pelacur, dan disitu JDS akan berperan besar lagi untuk membangun suasana yang sangar, buas sekaligus mencekam. Seperti juga di CLARA, mereka bukan hanya sibuk memukul drums dari berbagai macam ukuran dan jenis, tapi juga ikut acting. Dan jangan salah, acting sebagai pemerkosa itu tidak gampang, tapi lebih sulit lagi membuat musik yang bisa pas dengan koreografi pemerkosaan itu, untuk membuatnya tidak vulgar. Baik Tumirah maupun Clara adalah luapan kegelisahan saya terhadap isyu kemanusiaan yang masih begitu rendah dihargai oleh pemerintah Indonesia, terbukti dengan belum terselesaikannya pembunuhan Munir, kerusuhan 1998, bahkan kejadian 1965 dan masih banyak lagi. Apakah musik bisa mengubah dunia? Tidak usah dunia deh, negara saja cukup, satu negara saja. Atau, cukup beberapa politikus yang berhati keras dan berdarah dingin. Apa musik bisa menggetarkan nurani mereka? Mungkin tidak, tapi musik bisa memberi harapan. Saat kita ingin mengekspresikan sesuatu yang terlalu dalam untuk disampaikan dengan kata-kata, hanya musik yang dapat melakukannya. Dan ekspresi itu salah satunya adalah harapan yang tersimpan. Tanpa harapan, buat apa hidup ini?

Creative Arts, Creative Industry, Creative Economy

Well, well, the year started with a bang. I am both surprised and grateful that the prominent news magazine in Indonesia, TEMPO, presented me with a double honor. They have chosen my opera CLARA as the best live performance of the year, and also have chosen me as their one of their Artist Of The Year, in the category of Performing Arts. It is a tradition they have done every year, with a board of jury consisting prominent journalists and artists of different fields, so I am deeply grateful that my colleagues have chosen me for this year. They based that decision mainly on CLARA, which in fact I still think is far from being perfect. No matter what people think about CLARA, positive or negative, I am aware that it has its musical flaws (and Chendra our director & choreographer might think equally in his field, and everyone else too in their own ones). If it were to be performed again, I am going to do something about it, since after the premiere I managed to think "out of the box" and see the problem from another point of view. I am no Mozart, I couldn't grasp a 70ish-minute length opera in just a few seconds. After I heard, and SAW it, then I could hopefully fix it. Maybe not many in the audience were aware of this flaw, but me as the composer, I would like to revise and repair some things to make it better. Anyway, I am he who always look at today as an opportunity to do better what I have done yesterday. And a work of art is like life, it is never finished until the day you die. And even "finish" is not the right word, "cut off" is perhaps more appropriate. .............................................................................................................................................. Aside from its artistic issues, CLARA is a proof of how we could succeed in the first steps of classical music industry here in Indonesia. Indonesia has succeeded in its creative economy in the field of theatre and fine arts, it's starting in the film industry and of course already a long time in pop music. CLARA is of course "commissioned" music, but the commissioner, which is the non-governmental organization Indonesia for Humanity, expected (perhaps "gambled" is a better word) an income from it, apart from employing it as a vehicle to spread its mission in raising awareness in the society for their mission. So, their function is more of a producer. Of course making a simple piano recital is much cheaper budget-wise, but I am talking about a collaborative performing arts, where several artists work together involving many performers and artists of different fields. This is not a subsidized work of art, either governmental (which as we can see in Europe, almost always ends up in corruption or nepotism) or from a private company. This is purely a(n artistic) product which is expected to give and take, that we do justice to the public, that they would receive what they have paid for. It is not serving that longtime b*llshit "Art for Art's sake". Art should be part of the society, and I always believe that it is a necessity, unlike what our previous generation said "first you need to eat, then you can have art. Art cannot prosper when the stomach is empty". No, artists live from art, and public should have art as their other food, even if it is a food for our souls, or as Shakespeare said, "music is the food of love". If the public cannot enjoy, or what is always said "understand" the arts, then something is wrong, either it's the public, or the art product itself. If they say "I don't get it", well, we artists have no rights to ask them to pay what they don't get. I am sure that we would be able to bring the classical music glory back to the golden age of Franz Liszt or Richard Wagner. And that can only be achieved in the Asian countries, where we have no tradition of classical music, so we are not tied and bound by how it should be presented. Just mentioning one example : we should remember that the tradition of "you should be totally silent during a classical music concert" only started with Gustav Mahler and Richard Wagner at the end of the 19th century where audience should not clap between the numbers of Kindertotenlieder so that they wouldn't break the intense silences between. In tropical countries, with at least a couple of insects flying around if it's an open air concert, how could we be that silent? In any case, the audience should be comfortable without disturbing the others, just like we watch a film in the cinema. Now we have tough competitors : internet with its iTunes, youtubes etc., where people can just listen and even WATCH the music at home. So, I am quite realistic that this won't be like the 1970s-90s, when recording sells millions, and performers' and composers' bank account kept dripping money while they were watching TV or sitting on their toilet. No, no, it won't be as easy as that. But we gotta work hard, and harder. .............................................................................................................................................. I am so happy and grateful with all artists involved in CLARA. Even in a free market now, I do believe in the potentials of Indonesian musicians and artists. As Walt Whitman says "To have great poets, there must be great audiences", so we should be a great audience for our own artists. Yeah, we still lack good musicians in a few instruments, especially in the orchestra, but in a competitive world and open ASEAN economic community starting 2015 this will soon change. The performance of the Indonesian (classical) musicians will improve quickly, since it's gonna be a tough, tough competition from now on, just like what all of us, Indonesians living abroad are facing. And we gotta believe in Indonesian musicians, employ them for the concerts inside the country, and keep the country's money inside the country. .............................................................................................................................................. The credits of CLARA in Tempo Magazine only go to the 3 creators : the writer Seno Gumira Ajidarma, the director & choreographer Chendra Panatan and me, but I should say that I am so equally and deeply grateful to the performers that has made it alive with their strong characters. Primarily I thank the 3 wonderful singers : Isyana Sarasvati, Widhawan Aryo Pradhita, Ivan Subuhwanto who took those difficult roles and could realize them with their own complex personalities. Next come the dancers Aprida Darmawansyah, Mariska Febriani and the "rapists" Mislam, Hendri Desmal and Lukas. A huge contribution from Jakarta Drum School is so greatly appreciated, they managed to do the aural and visual climax of the opera, since they went the extra mile and were willing to do what they normally don't do: be actors and choreographed on stage. And then Elwin Hendrijanto who has meticulously took those black dots on the music paper and put them all in the right places in his sampler to make exactly the sounds I wanted. Hey, thanks to my high school friend Prasodjo Winarko who lent his Mercedes Benz of 1996 from one of his collections of cars too! Perhaps next time you would allow us to destroy and explode it too on stage, eh pal? ;) . And then, I also like to express my gratitude to Willy Haryadi, my hypnotherapist who has avoided me from going crazy during my "dry" period. And I do learn a lot from him too. .............................................................................................................................................. Last but not least, I am thankful to all those musicians in the past and present who have inspired me. You might have heard influences from Shostakovich, Britten, Philip Glass, Pet Shop Boys or Queen in CLARA. And of course The Beach Boys! Yeah, without them, I wouldn't be the composer I am now. God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You!

God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You

Do you believe in coincidence or destiny? That question aroused when I was writing that section in my opera CLARA, exactly when Clara is driving her BMW before she was attacked by the rapists. It was designed to be 3'30" maximum to create the equilibrium with the sections coming before and after. What I knew was that the music should be calm, but tense. You know, like a thriller or horror movie, when things look all right, but something really bad's gonna happen. Since until then I had no slightest idea of what the music should be like (in terms of notes and harmonies), I left it until the last moment. And so, I have finished all the arias, recitatives, everything, and was left with this 3'30" section. And still it was .... blank. Could something be worse than this situation for a composer ... and time is running out? Apparently it could be. .............................................................................................................................................. It was 3 a.m. (Central European Time) and I had my chat with my new friend Ryan Tandya in Jakarta, an excellent photographer whose works I admire a lot. But we mostly talk about other stuff .... like music, as apparently we have some musical tastes in common. I just finished orchestrating the existing materials of the opera for the day but still stuck on that mentioned scene. And Ryan showed me that BBC Music has released a remake of Beach Boys' "God Only Knows", which I haven't heard for ... oh I dunno ... 30 years maybe or more. It used to be my favorite song, my mom had a vinyl of it, and I remember I loved it since it's so weird, and full of polyphony, which is unusual for a pop song (yeah yeah, I love polyphony since the day I remembered! And not only Bach, but also Brian Wilson - The Beach Boys). Apart from the polyphonic element, the song has a sophisticated harmonic complexity. It modulates in a unique way from A major, D major and E major and extensively uses inverted chords. The tonic chord (E major) usually only appears with the major 3rd or the 5th in the bass. The entire verse progression sounds restless and ambiguous, until the line "God only knows what I'd be without you" when the chord progression finally reaches a clear goal (A—E/G#—F#m7—E). It is as if the idea of 'key' has itself been challenged and subverted. Shortly speaking, a work of genius by Brian Wilson. .............................................................................................................................................. I slept afterwards with that song banging in my head like 50 times repeated during our chat (it was at least a 2-hour one), and naturally I woke up the next morn .. I mean noon with that song in my head. And the song was there to stay, for the rest of the day. If you are a fellow composer, then you know this problem too well : an existing piece of music sounding in your head blocks your own music from coming out. But hey, I gotta do something. If something's hanging in your head, you can't take it away by thinking that it should go away, in fact it would cling stronger if you do it that way. It just gotta go away naturally ... but how long? And .. if life gives you lemons ... make lemonade, right? So, since the song itself is full of polyphony, why not put more voices to the song? And then I also realized the fact that I (and perhaps even the writer of the story, Seno Gumira Ajidarma) have forgotten this: in a critical situation such a mass riot, when you are driving a car, what do you do? You listen to the radio to hear the news, right? And radios don't just put news, but also music. And what texts could be more appropriate after Clara's father anxiously called his daughter to stay away from the city? If you should ever leave me / Though life would still go on believe me / The world could show nothing to me / So what good would living do me .............................................................................................................................................. Isn't that what we call the conspiracy of the universe? So I decided to put the old recording of that song, and make the singers (Clara and her father) sing polyphonically. Which is in fact, composing new melodies with Brian Wilson's tune as the cantus firmus (that's the cool -- or nerdy -- term for a melody used as the basis for a polyphonic composition). And guess the duration of the song .... yup, it's 3 minutes. With some modification using loops and cut & pastings, it's the perfect duration. And it gives time for the orchestral musicians to rest while the singers are singing with the recording. Nothing could fit perfectly. Well, well, Ryan. I wanted to kill you that day for showing me that bloody videoclip. But now, it feels like .... God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You, Ryan. Thanks!

Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

There have been quite a few pros and contras about the "teaser" or "preview" on my next opera, CLARA when we performed parts of it last month at the Four Seasons Hotel, Jakarta. Whatever the reaction, it didn't leave people indifferent. The role of Clara's father was sung by the same tenor who will sing it in the premiere next December, Nikodemus Lukas, but the role of CLARA was sung not by Isyana Sarasvati, but by Evelyn Merrelita, who is a bit older than Isyana. Her role at this "teaser" concert wasn't big anyway, and it was done without much acting, and no real costumes and decors, so it was allright. Allright? No, she sang brilliantly, as usual, and so did Niko. We performed 2 arias of Clara's Father : Jangan Pulang (Don't Come Home) and Pesan Papa Terakhir (Dad's last message). The text (by Seno Gumira Ajidarma) is direct, stabbing, and clear. Poetic, but honest and true. In fact, CLARA will be premiered as the closing of the International 16 days against Gender violence, also coinciding with the International Human Rights Day which will also include the Indonesian premiere of that controversial documentary by the Oscar-nominated (for his previous documentary on exactly the theme of violence during the Suharto era) director, Joshua Oppenheimer : The Look of Silence. This film has already been premiered during the Venice Film Festival a few weeks ago. Anyway, about the "contra"s for my opera : some people (especially who went through what happened during the period of the fall of Suharto in May 1998) expressed that my opera will be too painful to them. Not only politically, but also psychologically. Those scars are about to heal, why should we open them up again? .............................................................................................................................................. Do we move on in this life by forgetting the pain of the past? My best friend, the one I always turn to in times of sorrow, always tells me this phrase : Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. That simple? If it's that simple, why is it so hard? .............................................................................................................................................. I am working hard, very hard in finishing this opera. It's been a difficult period, last August and September. I practically composed next to zero during that period. Now time is running out, apart from the fact that my biggest inspirer is always that thing called "deadline", I suddenly have all the things that could inspire and motivate me to compose : the performance of Evelyn Merrelita and Nikodemus Lukas really boosted something inside me (although Evelyn will not sing in my opera in December. I will, certainly, write another opera involving her, after my comic opera "Laki-laki Sejati" where she took the main role 2 years ago), and also the book "Disangkal" ("Denied") which the National Commission On Violence Against Women gave me as a gift. It is a manifestation of "Homo Homini Lupus", a proof of how low humans could act and inflict sufferings to each other. It is a powerful book, and I now know that I am indeed destined to write these operas to understand more about what happened in the past in my beloved country. You see, in May 98 I was still in my appartment in Den Haag. I didn't have internet back then and since it's never a habit for me to watch the news on TV, I realized what happened only a few days later. I then called my mom in Jakarta, who said that I shouldn't worry since that huge mass riot was systematically and massively organized against people of Chinese descendant. Not only we are Javanese, but also my dad was in the military so my family was just very, very safe. And only a year later when I went to Indonesia I found out that things indeed were much worse than I thought. Hundreds of Chinese weren't just killed; they were tortured, and the women were raped in ways unimaginable. There is a history of anti-Chinese sentiment in Indonesia, but even taking that into consideration, the violence of May 98 was unusually extreme and virulent, attributed to the encouragement of the army and the Suharto regime. .............................................................................................................................................. Friends, we are afraid of ourselves, of our own reality; our feelings most of all. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. This is not opening old scars, friends. This is about resisting to forget. To heal, we must forgive, but we cannot forget. This entry I wrote is not about being strong, it's about overcoming our weakness. Whether you were held or beaten, cared for or neglected, happy or sad, or TORTURED AND RAPED, take a moment to remind yourself that we are not defined by what has been done or done to us, but by what we choose to do with the time we have left. Fear should be faced head-on and if we're going to fight it, we should do it in a forum that allows the opportunity to help anyone who can relate to it find the courage to move past the past or reach out to get help to escape a painful present. It is painful, yes it is, but we should turn pain into wisdom, and make sure we do not inflict that pain to others in the future. I believe painful emotions have a self-healing and self-correcting component. When we take advantage of it, we flourish. When we don't, we suffer. So, we choose. That simple? If it's that simple, why is it so hard?